2017-04-23 10:29 pm
Entry tags:

three- a speech (but not really)


holy shit it's been quite a time. i'm fucking freaked y'all.
my friend (who we'll call A) and i are what the teachers at our school call the 'power duo'. whenever a presentation needs to be done outside of school or as an extracurricular ect., we are the two the teachers call on. the reason for this? i'm pretty fantastic at speech writing and powerpoint presentations and A can speak in front of a crowd as though he was born to do it. 
recently, we were given a 'gig' by one of the teachers at our school to present about mental illness in schools- especially within the older student community- to a small group of elementary students, high school students and teachers. in that small crowd, there just so happened to be the principle of a rather large, rather important school in the area, who took a liking to our mindset and presentation abilities. so now i'm sat at my computer on the verge of throwing up because tomorrow A and i are speaking in front of 450 teachers,
well, fairly, A is speaking in front of them, but i am still required to be on stage with him because it is my work on display as much as his. my anxiety is currently acting up big-time. 
also my relationship with my girlfriend is going to shit but what can you do.
ill write about how it went, promise, if i don't pass out.
2017-04-14 04:06 pm
Entry tags:

two- where am i going

so i've been thinking that i can start using Wattpad and Dreamwidth in sync. it would make sense, my fics that used only to be read on one site would then be read on two. i can also mix them here with just general entries, which would be numbered in the title the way that they are now.
so yeah, fics on here and Wattpad with the book title as the subject, and entries here with a numbered subject.
it's still a processing idea so i'm not making any promises, but it seems like it would work. if i decide to go through with it i'll link my Wattpad in a new entry.

2017-04-13 10:23 pm
Entry tags:

one- the first day

it is odd. i always have found it odd. i used to feel so numb and empty all the time, then it suddenly stopped.
it was exactly the way i was told it would never be. i went to sleep one night, uncaring whether i woke up or died with my eyes closed, and i woke in the morning feeling fine. and so it stayed; i feel fine. nothing more, nothing less.
i'm not sure i'd go as far as to say that i miss the feeling of darkness and nothingness, but it was all so familiar that i'm no longer sure what to do with myself. the days feel longer, drawn out, yet i can't fill them. i sleep and wake at the same time each morning and night, but it feels foreign. i guess that what hasn't changed is that i'm always so tired.
i went from crying, to yelling, to nothing, to yawning. it's the same every day, i wake up tired and i fall asleep tired. it's like a rhythm, like pulsing waves but slower and less enthusiastic.
i know i'll never be fixed, but i can live with that. i can exist in a happy medium, floating somewhere between depression and happiness. it's living, at least.
but maybe i'll always be tired. maybe it's the new numb; the new nothing. i thought i'd feel so sad forever, i think i'll feel tired more.