it is odd. i always have found it odd. i used to feel so numb and empty all the time, then it suddenly stopped.
it was exactly the way i was told it would never be. i went to sleep one night, uncaring whether i woke up or died with my eyes closed, and i woke in the morning feeling fine. and so it stayed; i feel fine. nothing more, nothing less.
i'm not sure i'd go as far as to say that i miss the feeling of darkness and nothingness, but it was all so familiar that i'm no longer sure what to do with myself. the days feel longer, drawn out, yet i can't fill them. i sleep and wake at the same time each morning and night, but it feels foreign. i guess that what hasn't changed is that i'm always so tired.
i went from crying, to yelling, to nothing, to yawning. it's the same every day, i wake up tired and i fall asleep tired. it's like a rhythm, like pulsing waves but slower and less enthusiastic.
i know i'll never be fixed, but i can live with that. i can exist in a happy medium, floating somewhere between depression and happiness. it's living, at least.
but maybe i'll always be tired. maybe it's the new numb; the new nothing. i thought i'd feel so sad forever, i think i'll feel tired more.

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elizaisdead

April 2017

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