2017-04-13

2017-04-13 03:49 pm

welcome ?

i don't know what i'm doing. people say that dreamwidth is an 'upgrade' from live journal, but i've never even used live journal before so 'upgrading' to this seems unnecessary and stupid. however, the idea of other people reading my thoughts comforts me.
2017-04-13 10:23 pm
Entry tags:

one- the first day

it is odd. i always have found it odd. i used to feel so numb and empty all the time, then it suddenly stopped.
it was exactly the way i was told it would never be. i went to sleep one night, uncaring whether i woke up or died with my eyes closed, and i woke in the morning feeling fine. and so it stayed; i feel fine. nothing more, nothing less.
i'm not sure i'd go as far as to say that i miss the feeling of darkness and nothingness, but it was all so familiar that i'm no longer sure what to do with myself. the days feel longer, drawn out, yet i can't fill them. i sleep and wake at the same time each morning and night, but it feels foreign. i guess that what hasn't changed is that i'm always so tired.
i went from crying, to yelling, to nothing, to yawning. it's the same every day, i wake up tired and i fall asleep tired. it's like a rhythm, like pulsing waves but slower and less enthusiastic.
i know i'll never be fixed, but i can live with that. i can exist in a happy medium, floating somewhere between depression and happiness. it's living, at least.
but maybe i'll always be tired. maybe it's the new numb; the new nothing. i thought i'd feel so sad forever, i think i'll feel tired more.